The Bad and the Beast

I’m here again. I have to make that clear! I have to celebrate it even!

Why so, you would ask?!

Because this week I’ve made a terrible choice in my life, which certainly will haunt me for the coming years, two to five, let’s say so. I had to state as first sentence that I’m here again, as soon after the movie started and realized the future consequences of this theater adventure for my life, I wasn’t even sure I will survive. Mentally, to be precise.

We watched the new Beauty & the Beast! Saddest 132 minutes of my life probably. And I cannot have the pleasure to blame it on my wife, I have chosen this…movie(?). I have never made such a mistake with films, at all. I couldn’t suspect such failure, it was a star galore:

  • Emma Watson – Beauty (well, a child version of, if you look at her, although, pretty for sure as always)
  • Kevin Kline – playing above’s father
  • Luke Evans – as Gaston
  • Josh Gad – as LeFou (The Fool, I would rather call. He, by the way, played also Steve Wozniak once in Jobs, as partner of Ashton Kutcher)
  • Ewan McGregor – Lumiere
  • Ian McKellen – Cogsworth (Ian more known from the X-Men as Magneto, or, Lord of The Rings’ And The Hobbit’s Gandalf.

But short after Disney’s usual opening graphics, the torture has started!

I do not like musical, being at cinema or traditional theater, I don’t like. And soon enough I figured, it is, for the biggest part. But even that wouldn’t have been a cause of mental meltdown, IF, everything else would have been great: story development, playing, lyrics, tunes, humor…

None of those were cinema worthy. A boring, awfully boring movie, dramatically poor playing (Emma, I’m disappointed. We break up!), terrible lyrics of ALL the songs they sang. When I listened to the lyrics of the songs, I couldn’t help it to have the feeling of those being forced creations, no improvement on the old cartoon’s musical parts thus. No poetry/no theater in, just sentences put together to tell facts to each other, with the complete absence of imagination. Dry and shallow, infantile. And Emma Watson’s singing makes things just worse.

It had SOME short moments of humor, mainly from the Beast coming in mid-movie, let’s say, two or three times, so at least a bit relief in an awfully long lasting (seemed so), agonizingly painful production.

The “big” fighting scene at the near end, in and around the Beast’s castle, was ridiculous. Not for a moment could one take it even slightly seriously. Not one bit. Poorly thought out and executed choreography, combination of a sort action and humor in this part made it, again, infantile looking. No better word for, seriously.

There have been great visual elements combined with 3D, there was something for the eyes, but after a while, little while, even those brilliant graphical moments cannot help you back to your previous, more healthy state of mind. Alone those are not enough. But like with every screamingly bad movie experience, there is always the ONE!

The ONE relief you always can count on:

 

THE END, and end credits! 😀

 

Retro Batman: bad, bad, man!

Have you ever had the feeling while watching a movie, series, it is so, so bad, it’s actually almost good?! See, I have (thank you darling, I love you too), and I will think a way to thank to my dearest for the “great” movie day. She surprised me with the 1966 Adam West Batman. The movie, not the series.

I cannot imagine that, even in ’66, anyone meant this painful, over narrated, metrocolour boy-wonder crap seriously. My suspicion is <insert Adam West’s thinking face> that this has been an intentional (and very, very cruel) joke on the public, and Hollywood laughed the ass off!

batman in 66

On the other hand, the TV series was even worse, and I don’t believe that a joke is allowed to be seasons long and  spend so much money and time on. Ergo, Hollywood was really early with making utter waste of time, 90’s Batman movies and more recent Dawn of Justice aren’t the only examples of not being able to make a DC hit. But there can be only One…which hits all the spectrums of pain in your brain, little under two hours long:

  • Starting credits, that amazing acknowledgement and the introduction of characters. Cutting edge, there!
  • Narration, explanation of everything through the whole movie, just to make sure, the movie is 100% obvious for the audience. EVERY single detail. I guarantee, nothing has been forgotten. Even in the hottest situations there is plenty of time to discuss all the things. This is no more simple Batman…it is Captain Obvious.
  • Label all things baby! While Adam West plays a millionaire Bruce Wayne (sorry, Bruce, no billions yet. It’s ’66 man!) who happened to be the genius of all existing and pseudo sciences (that is when Bat costume gets combined with white coat and extra pair gloves. Bloody seriously!), still, every single tool must be labelled. Every button and ladder (really, the…..wait for it…..BAT-LADDER!).
  • But this is nothing. The real gem is in the heros’ scripts, villains’ plays. Most popular probably Robin’s (or Boy Wonder) Holy-everything, throughout the wholey movie. Holy shark, holy heartbreak, he has one for every scene. Serious fact, for almost every single scene! That IS a boy, you WILL wonder. And of course he is a master of agreeing to Bruce’s genius. And how could villains look and play mean enough if they wouldn’t laugh all the time?! And boy, they do! Far more than I would have wished for. And of course they had to make their villain-characters’ appropriate sounds (cat, bird, laughs), after all, the public must be noted all the time who is who. No chance for confusion, nor for any mystery!
  • Special effects, costumes, make-up, and RUBBER SHARK (this last one, you even hear the rubbery sound! It is really that bad…or great). These can’t be explained. Just look:

Would I advice anyone this movie?! Well, YES! If you’re the kind of person with a bit of patience, understanding, high tolerance of stupid and pain, and sometimes you are as a “perv” as we are to watch so-bad-it’s-almost-great things to kill some time and laugh. Go ahead, be entertained! And like my wife, make sure you don’t watch alone! Share the suffering, make it even public! 🙂

But the Force is strong in me. I sat this through, I didn’t give up. I’m the real hero! The pain is temporal, but the memories…

 

WILL HAUNT ME FOREVER!

 

batman bomb solution

Skull Island is no dull island

Wednesday, what a beautiful day has been, much more than today’s half sunny grey sadness. And to top that nice day, me and wife decided to have our regular date evening, let’s go to watch the movie at the theater we were so curious about: Kong, Skull Island, in 3D of course. Most movies play in nice 3D these days, and we love it.

This was the 3rd type of King Kong movies: original old King Kong with Jessica Lange from 1976, the 2005 (?) Jack Black, Naomi Watts, extended remake with Hollywood’s new additions to the story. It was entertaining. And then 2017’s Skull Island. Now, this was a new spin…And thankfully, they hired Tom Hiddleston, aka, Loki, the guy behind the quote: ‘I don’t think anyone, until their soul leaves their body, is past the point of no return’. Or the disturbed british character from Crimson Peak (a great movie if you ask me…probably you won’t). He never ever disappoints, although this movie couldn’t give him the usual opportunity for showing deeper acting talents, but we did not buy the ticket for Hamlet: Skull Island monologue, but for Kong.

tom hiddleston in kong
Art from the new movie with Tom Hiddleston and Brie Larson. Image: Mynet Sinema

It’s mere light and easy entertainment, with Samuel L. Jackson’s character and his growing insanity, and nearing the end of the movie, also his end, with literally one slap of a hand. A giant one. Nice touch (pun very much intended)! 😀

It does have all what we would want from: an expedition to a fantasy location (although Google made it short ago “real” with a Maps Easter egg, placing Skull Island on their service), a hidden agenda, or two, behind the trip, endless body countdown, huge beasts, and a lot humor, enough moments to lighten up and laugh or smile. It’s not a family movie, at least not for the whole family if there are young children, some images, especially in 3D, could be disturbing for them. Overall, good 2 hours cinema experience for everyone. And I saw we aren’t a rare duo to think so, the cinema rooms are filled well for the show, day after day. People like the idea of the show, the visuals, the thrill.

Is it an overly smart movie, one of great intelligence, with deep meaningful conversations in, high moral values behind and life changing motivations to discover throughout the playtime?! No. It is meant to let you easily sit out those hours forgetting your day’s or week’s challenges, stressful moments (if there are any), grab each others’ hands and just relax and let all go. Enjoy an adventure, a load of wit and sarcasm, exotic views and flying limbs and torsos.

One thing is sure, you won’t ask the question what many people asked after the, hopefully, last installment of Resident Evil sequel, Final Chapter: ‘What the hell did I just watch?!’

image of burning skull in kong

In the wait for Star Wars

Can’t happen soon enough, really! December seems to be so far, far away.

As that is the initial release date plan for the next installment of my absolute No.1. favorite franchise, always and forever, Star Wars. Episode 8 would have the title: The Last Jedi. Ah, really exciting, just to hear this rolling off my tongue.

In December of 2015 we really enjoyed episode VII. The Force Awakens, on premier evening, although we had our doubts first, knowing that Disney have had a deal with George Lucas’ company over movie rights, but frankly, Force Awakens turned out to be a phenomenal success. And hell sure not without a reason. We all, who sat that night in the theater room watching its first appearance at our cinema, ended up in a standing ovation when the movie  came to the final credits and the typical Star Wars music played, right after Rey and Luke Skywalker stood on a mountain of old Jedi island, with his light sabre in Rey’s hand. It was epic! Epic story and cinematography, acting!

daisy ridley in force awakens

And Rogue One: a Star Wars story wasn’t bad either, although not the same magnitude, yet very entertaining and with a story can interest Star Wars fans. It explains some things from Luke’s and Leia’s times against the old empire and Darth Vader.

As avid fans ourselves, we couldn’t help, we bought two generations of Storm Troopers 3D glasses, sale items of the cinema (besides many other merchandises) and watched the movies with those at the theater, rather than using the usual ones. They are more comfortable, they look cool. And hey, most important, they are related to S.W.!

When you put them on and watch the movie with these, well, you feel the Force flowing through your…endless, geeky imagination. Hell, why not?! This is how they look like on someone (like, myself, below):

practice the Force like Darth Vader shot
You just can feel it, he?! 😀

Release of Episode VIII. Last Jedi is expected to be 15th of December 2017. May the Force be with us all! And two theater tickets.

The originality in…The Originals

And there, it comes out, and with this now you are getting to know me even better, to all the “dark”, mysterious corners of my eternal soul, lingering in the nights in ever agonizing pain of hollowness and lonely…

…ok, just joking a bit, but this post had to start like above to fit its title and topic, my absolute favorite and often dark series: The Originals.

When it started up with the first episodes of season one, merely the curiosity of vampire theme drew me front of the screen (as it happens, vamp stories are my favorite tales), yet not giving too high hopes for, knowing how modern stories like Twilight (facepalm for the shining, elf-like vampires) or Vampire Diaries worked out. Well, not so good, to say the least.

But then The Originals happened; and it showed, so much can be told and shown about it with so much refreshing sense of humor, often very dark, witty, but hilarious lines between the thousand years old siblings and their foes/friends, while other times true poetry emerges motivated by the freshly or long lost love, newly (re)discovered care and slowly (re)building foundations of trust and devotion to one could never care less before, or it seemed at least. Well, all these while, of course, we don’t have to miss out the carefully crafted traps and spectacularly executed scenes of blood spilling, vampire meal times, limbs tearing, head choppings…naturally, midden in a constant war zone where practicing witchcraft is just common daily routine for some in New Orleans’ French Quarter.

In one thing most of the fans agree: Klaus (Niklaus), the meanest and most paranoid of the three siblings, is the true spice of the story, and, let’s face it, the most hilarious and poetic often. It is just as a fact as the grass is green and roses are red and black, and who cares about violets. To celebrate the darkest of all, the one who makes the devil weep, according to him, here is a nice selection of his greatest lines:

“We can sit and eat, or I can reach down your throats and pull out your insides. The choice is yours.”

“It seems you people respond best to displays of violence”

” I’m going to eliminate an old friend before he gets his teeth into my therapist.”

“I’ve never been daggered. I never knew it was such an agonizing experience. It does help explain why my siblings loathe me.”

“This may come as a surprise to you, Camille, but I’m not a terribly good person.”

“- It must really suck to have to be you all the time.
– Well, it hasn’t been a picnic, honestly.”

klaus-mikaelson-the-originals

“Good! Then it’s settled! Off you pop to your respective tasks. Me, I’ve always been of the opinion that the best defense is a good offense. So I’m going to find a way to murder that god-forsaken witch.”

“I compelled you to speak the truth not state the bloody obvious!”

“The truth is Elijah and Rebekah can be a bit naive when it comes to family relations. Case in point, their unending faith in me. I repay that loyalty by guarding them against treachery they cannot see and I sense that you are treacherous indeed.”

“In every moment a choice exists. We can cling to the past or embrace the inevitability of change and allow a brighter future to unfold before us. Such an uncertain future may call for even more uncertain allies. Either way, a new day is coming whether we like it or not. The question is will you control it, or will it control you?”

“I know in the last millennium we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but in this moment I am reminded of something Elijah has always said. Family is power.”

“You mistake my intentions. I haven’t come here to fight you. Not at all. This is to be an execution. Tell me, how exactly would you like to die?”

“It turns out my brother is even more depraved than I am. He is the noble stag no longer, indeed, an altogether different beast is creeping through the cracks. And you have also altogether failed in your representation of me because there is one thing you never thought me capable of. Forgiveness. You, Finn, have remained a boar for centuries but here is where your true fault lies. You never learned that the bonds of family far outweigh anything else. Such bonds trump petty jealousies, they overcome great feuds, and yes, they even allow one monster to pardon the great sins of another.”

“We were innocent once, Elijah. This bloodlust was forced upon us by our parents, turning us from prey to predator. We are the demons lurking in shadow. We are the savage villains in fairy tales told to children. But not for my child. Not for Hope. In her story, we are the knights in shining armor. Without you by my side, I don’t think I can survive my own love for my daughter. I need you. I need you, brother. The monster in me can only be checked by the monster in you. Only together can we defeat our demons and save our family.”

klaus-mikaelson

“I’m sorry, is this some sort of motherly critique? Please, feel free to choke on it.”

“You rant and rave about the monster I have become, but you, mother, you are the author of everything I am.”

“Hello, Tyler. You look well. I aim to change that.”

“As you may have yet to realize, Cami, the line between what brings us pain and what sustains us is far thinner than one imagines.”

And the monster’s probably most important moment, probably greatest turning point for his character, his inner world, the very last moment with his dying Camille in episode 19th of season 3:

[Tears fall down Klaus’ face as Camille takes several breaths and collapses against his chest]

Do not be afraid. You go now where many have gone before you. And where even I will go in time. Just know…there will be no more pain. No more heartbreak. You will find peace.

finalgoodbye-1-1024x563

Thank you guys for 3 very entertaining and refreshingly smart seasons and education in english for those in dire need! Now it would be really time for a 4th…